Letter to a Congressman or House Representative (Preferably Republican)

One evening as I walked off the dance floor with my lovely wife, another young couple stopped us. The guy said, “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that it was a real pleasure to dance near you. You have great rhythm!” (It is possible that he said we “good rhythm,” but at any rate he enjoyed our dancing skills.) That comment gave me a little more confidence than I already had about my sense of rhythm.
I’ve always felt that I have good rhythm. My friend Kyle and I would make our own rock music for hours on end. Kyle played the guitar and I beat-boxed (beat-boxing is using the mouth to create a drum-like sound). As the “percussionist,” I had to keep the rhythm going so the music sounded good. Every now and then I would mess up because my tongue would become tired, but people enjoyed listening to us nonetheless. It felt good when people smiled and bounced their bodies in time to Kyle’s guitar and my mouth-made beats.
I repeat, I’ve been confident that I have better rhythm than the average person. Until about three months ago. That was when my wife and I bought Guitar Hero: World Tour for the Xbox360 video game console. World Tour incorporates guitar, drums and vocals and gives the participants fleeting inspirational thoughts, like, “I should start my own band! I just killed that song on easy!” Within five minutes of attempting to play the drums, though, I lost all of the confidence I ever had that my rhythm was in any way good.
I would like to charge anybody involved with the development of Guitar Hero with the crime of stripping people of their rhythmical confidence. And while I’m at it with the accusations, Guitar Hero’s developers are also guilty of creating hallucinogenic effects within the minds of all those who play the game. When a song comes on the radio, no matter what song, I see circles of red, yellow, orange and sometimes blue and green scrolling from the top to bottom of my mind’s eye. The circles correspond to the different drumbeats in the song. I almost forgot about the horrid purple strip that randomly mixes with the colored circles. When that *?!@ing purple strip invades my mind, my calf starts to cramp up.
The makers of Guitar Hero have a lot to answer for. And I’ve only really addressed the drumming. I don’t think my high blood pressure can take it if I begin ranting about what the guitar does to my pinky finger or how the microphone makes me feel like I need to strain my voice on the songs sung by women (or Tokio Hotel).
I hope there is a Congressman or House Representative out there who is willing to aid me in my fight against the oppressive minds behind Guitar Hero. And once we’ve banished its evil from the earth, I’ve got more plans to clean up the video game industry. I’ve got the Wii in my crosshairs. I’ve heard rumors that some of the Wii games require the players to actually use their arm and leg muscles to get results out of the games!