Poisonous Animals

Spiders, snakes, scorpions, frogs, bees, jellyfish: Pick your poison. There are numerous animals around the world that are able to defend and support themselves using harmful chemicals transmitted by bites, stings and even a simple touch. Luckily we only have to worry about a few of those chemically enhanced creatures here in Utah. And unless you happen to be allergic to some of them, such as bees, their poisons are relatively harmless to a human.

I found some information on the Internet from the Western North American Naturalist that recorded deaths related to poison from 1900-1990 in Utah, and the numbers were extremely low. Only 20 people had died in that 91-year span from encounters with poisonous animals, and half of them were bee sting deaths. This data can mean a couple of things: that people have been quite vigilant in avoiding poisonous animals or that people have received medical care in a timely manner to avoid strong poison’s side-effect of death.

If you rely on movies and television for survival skills, you know full well that the best way to treat a rattlesnake bite is by sucking the venom out. If you rely on proven medical information, you know that antivenin is the only hope for a rattlesnake bite and any amount of sucking will not prevent death in the end. In order to keep the poison from reaching the heart faster, the snakebite should be kept below the level of the heart. I know a guy who was bitten by a rattlesnake out in the West Desert and he was able to make it to a hospital nearly an hour away before the poison could do some serious damage. But an hour is probably cutting it really close; it makes sense in the case of a poisonous bite that the quicker you seek medical attention, the better.

Insect/spider bites and stings (including scorpions) should be treated similar to snakebites. Try to slow the venom’s route to the heart by using cold packs and placing a tight bandage above the site of the bite, but not too tightly. You don’t want to cut off circulation, just slow the flow to your heart until you can get to the hospital.

Watch out especially for the brown recluse spider. His bite is unique because instead of delivering a poison that travels to your heart, it begins the transformative process of decay in your skin, known as necrosis, and, if not treated, can spread across your body and you will rot and decay like a dead corpse despite your living status.

This type of transformative poison also exists in a couple of other creatures that have not been sighted in Utah since last October. But beware, because there have been rumors of vampires and werewolves hiding out in Utah’s forests. If a vampire or a werewolf catches you and bites you, their poison will transform you into their kind. There is no known antidote for their poisonous bites. Should you notice anyone around you becoming extremely hairy or paler with a pair of sharp incisors, chances are high that he or she has come into contact with a vampire or werewolf. The best way to avoid a bite from either is to satisfy its plea of “Trick or Treat!” with a treat and let it be on its way to the next house. Good luck avoiding poisonous animals and Happy Halloween!

How to Survive an Abduction

Have you ever been out in the mountains at night enjoying the starscape, and you see something dart across the sky, stop midway, hover for ten, twenty seconds, and then seem to shoot straight up into the black sky above and disappear? Despite what the government would have you believe, aliens are real. Instead of covering up their existence, our nation’s leaders should be providing us citizens with advice on how to combat the extra-terrestrials, should they attempt to suck us up into a glittery beam of light in order to prod and poke us until their scientific minds are satisfied. I think our politicians would be much more handy writing an alien abduction survival guide (especially the New Mexico representatives) than a 2,000-page health care reform proposal (that no one reads anyhow). Since the government chooses to dally about with other trivial matters, like the economy and education reform, I have undertaken to provide you with a few tips from my own, though somewhat limited, experience.

The last time I had an encounter of the third kind, I was disappointed to find that pepper spray is ineffectual against aliens. You would think with their great, bulbous eyeballs that the spray would work wonders, which it does, but as an alien aphrodisiac. Get’s ‘em all in a tizzy, and trust me, you don’t want them to be grabbier than they already are. There isn’t much you can do about avoiding the actual abduction, which is why these are tips on surviving, not avoiding, such occurrences.

The most important thing to remember during an abduction is that you are being kidnapped by scientific aliens. These are not your common, run-of-the-mill, middle-class space invaders; they’ve been trained to show little to no emotion as they slice and dice towards greater understanding. These guys thrive on results, and one of the biggest results they love is emotional reaction to whatever it is they are doing to you. Give them nothing, say nothing, scream nothing, emote nothing. This will confuse them and you will throw off many of their experiments and data. Play a dummy and I promise you, they will red flag you so that other aliens do not make the same mistake of abducting you as they did.

Under no circumstances should you try to engage in reasoning with the aliens. Most extra terrestrials are language purists, and so your pleas for mercy and goodwill will be rebutted with an extremely foreign dialogue. Aliens can understand human languages perfectly, but they choose not to allow any of our words to enter their vocabulary, and they do so by never speaking it. Since the “greys” refuse to speak Earth-talk, you may as well have fun with your words. Babbling like a madman, putting words together that would never make sense in any situation, is a surefire way to make those bug-eyed creeps second-guess their understanding of our language.

My last tip is for the after-abduction. Most people want to rush out and notify police or the local newspaper of their horrific experience, but that is unwise. Governments around the world have done a good job of covering up all evidence of alien affairs here on Earth, and any admission of an abduction will only be met with frowns and aversion. I suggest you find and join an alien abductees’ support group in your community, where you’ll be able to share your story as well as gain the knowledge that the abduction was not your fault. Hopefully you’ll never have to deal with such an out-of-this-world experience, but if you do, I hope that my advice is helpful.

Ghost Towns

Now that we’re approaching Halloween, I figured it’s time for a spooky outdoor adventure. Ghost towns are the perfect place to go for a thrilling excursion; there’s always a chance that they’ll live up to their name. Utah is full of ghost towns, though Wasatch County doesn’t seem to have any. There are some in nearby Duchesne County, and plenty out near the Great Salt Lake/Tooele area. Most of the ghost towns were little mining towns that became obsolete as technology advanced or valuable ore deposits became scarce. Old, dilapidated buildings or simple foundations are the only indications that humans ever tried to settle the various scattered locations around the state.

I took a drive out to the Pony Express Trail and explored a few of the ghost towns there in Tooele and Juab Counties. There really isn’t much near any of the sights, so I was glad my wife and I had brought along snacks and water. Plus the humans we saw on our way to the ghost towns were sometimes more frightening than the actual prospect of running across an old miner’s ghost. It was eerie driving through a town as everyone stopped what they were doing to straighten up and watch the vehicle pass by their house. It was like something from an old horror flick: people with pitchforks and scythes and other archaic farming instruments following the out-of-towners with their vacant stares.

Once we passed the creepy “live” towns, we were able to visit ten or fifteen “dead” towns in one afternoon. The most memorable is a town called Gold Hill. If you’ve ever seen the film The Hills Have Eyes, Gold Hill would be the perfect candidate for one of the film’s sequels. The ghost town still has a few living haunts. People continue to live among the broken-down machinery and rotting buildings. Apparently there is an effort to rekindle Gold Hill’s mining industry. There was a sign in the middle of the town, and my wife and I read it from the safety of our Jeep. There was no way I was exiting my vehicle, giving the townspeople the chance to do whatever it is that ghost town people do to outsiders.

No ghost town is truly complete without a rundown cemetery nearby. There’s nothing more chilling than stumbling over some weather-beaten grave markers in the dry brush just outside of town. It’s hard not to imagine the long forgotten bones waiting underground for the unsuspecting adventurer to fall into their clutches. Luckily my wife and I were visiting ghost towns and their cemeteries by day, because at night those bones would have dragged us down into their cold embrace.

If you’re in the mood for some thrills and chills this Halloween season without paying the outrageous costs of a haunted house, check out a ghost town or two. The best website I’ve found for Utah ghost towns is at www.ghosttowns.com. Simply select Utah from the drop-down list at the top of the webpage and you’ve got access to bits of lore and other information about ghost towns across the state. Take a flashlight, keep your car doors locked, and prepare for roads that go bump in the night (and day; they’re dirt roads, after all).

Animal Pancakes

Though there are hunting opportunities all year long, autumn ushers in the majority, including many of the general elk and deer hunts that are so popular here in Utah. While a lot of you may be joining the orange-vested ranks of hunters, crawling around the mountains of Utah in search of ruminant targets, I will be at home changing my Jeep’s oil filter. It’s not my fault my dad woke me up early on autumn Saturdays to help him change his van’s oil instead of go hunting like all the other normal dads and sons. That’s a good thing, though, because I have such a soft spot for animals that I probably couldn’t have killed anything during a hunt anyway.

Despite my lack of hunting skills, I have killed animals. Mostly fish during Scout camps, but a few others have made it under the wheels of whatever vehicle I was driving at the time. Luckily for me, all of those animals have been small: squirrels, rabbits, and a bird. And I can’t forget about the cat, but I don’t really know if I killed it or not; it was still hissing, spitting and leaping when I last saw it. Anyway, fishing and hitting animals in my car is the closest I’ve come to hunting.

Years ago I personally witnessed a 4-point buck jump out onto the highway and bound across two lanes of traffic before running smack-dab into the side of a semi-trailer, which happened to be in the lane to our right. It was surreal as I watched the beautiful beast drop like a sack of potatoes 100 feet in front of the truck my friend, Ivan, was driving. We were doing a good 65-70 mph, and we had vehicles on either side of us, so our only path was over the top of the poor creature. We didn’t want to leave the animal lying there, so we took the next exit and circled back, but some other kind soul was already moving the hulking mass out of the roadway.

I’ve always thought it funny how much “food” goes to waste when vehicles make “pancakes” out of animals. Road kill in some states is fair game: If you hit it, you can cook it. Here in Utah, there are a few restrictions. Number one, you can’t simply load the freshly squished animal into your car and haul it home. That’s considered poaching here. Number two, if you don’t want the meat to go to waste, you can call the Division of Wildlife Resources (the main office number is 801-538-4700) and a DWR officer will come and assess the situation. Should the officer deem the animal worthy of consumption, you’ve got meat for your next BBQ! Sometimes there is a permit fee, though, so don’t assume that the damage to your car was necessarily worth it. The price of the permit depends on the animal involved, so expect to pay more for a bull moose than for a deer.

Next time you’re out driving and you see an animal come out into your path of travel, forget the silly point system and adopt the better meal system. Suddenly a cat just went from 100 points to 0 meals, but a deer went from 500 points to 10 meals (for a family of four). The meal system is very dependent on the size of whatever group of people it is feeding. If you are single, that same deer is going to be worth about 40 meals (rough estimate). You will find that many animals (and humans) that had high point values are all of a sudden worthless.

Drive safe this fall and watch out for wildlife. Three-quarters of a meal for the squirrel!