Animal Pancakes

Though there are hunting opportunities all year long, autumn ushers in the majority, including many of the general elk and deer hunts that are so popular here in Utah. While a lot of you may be joining the orange-vested ranks of hunters, crawling around the mountains of Utah in search of ruminant targets, I will be at home changing my Jeep’s oil filter. It’s not my fault my dad woke me up early on autumn Saturdays to help him change his van’s oil instead of go hunting like all the other normal dads and sons. That’s a good thing, though, because I have such a soft spot for animals that I probably couldn’t have killed anything during a hunt anyway.

Despite my lack of hunting skills, I have killed animals. Mostly fish during Scout camps, but a few others have made it under the wheels of whatever vehicle I was driving at the time. Luckily for me, all of those animals have been small: squirrels, rabbits, and a bird. And I can’t forget about the cat, but I don’t really know if I killed it or not; it was still hissing, spitting and leaping when I last saw it. Anyway, fishing and hitting animals in my car is the closest I’ve come to hunting.

Years ago I personally witnessed a 4-point buck jump out onto the highway and bound across two lanes of traffic before running smack-dab into the side of a semi-trailer, which happened to be in the lane to our right. It was surreal as I watched the beautiful beast drop like a sack of potatoes 100 feet in front of the truck my friend, Ivan, was driving. We were doing a good 65-70 mph, and we had vehicles on either side of us, so our only path was over the top of the poor creature. We didn’t want to leave the animal lying there, so we took the next exit and circled back, but some other kind soul was already moving the hulking mass out of the roadway.

I’ve always thought it funny how much “food” goes to waste when vehicles make “pancakes” out of animals. Road kill in some states is fair game: If you hit it, you can cook it. Here in Utah, there are a few restrictions. Number one, you can’t simply load the freshly squished animal into your car and haul it home. That’s considered poaching here. Number two, if you don’t want the meat to go to waste, you can call the Division of Wildlife Resources (the main office number is 801-538-4700) and a DWR officer will come and assess the situation. Should the officer deem the animal worthy of consumption, you’ve got meat for your next BBQ! Sometimes there is a permit fee, though, so don’t assume that the damage to your car was necessarily worth it. The price of the permit depends on the animal involved, so expect to pay more for a bull moose than for a deer.

Next time you’re out driving and you see an animal come out into your path of travel, forget the silly point system and adopt the better meal system. Suddenly a cat just went from 100 points to 0 meals, but a deer went from 500 points to 10 meals (for a family of four). The meal system is very dependent on the size of whatever group of people it is feeding. If you are single, that same deer is going to be worth about 40 meals (rough estimate). You will find that many animals (and humans) that had high point values are all of a sudden worthless.

Drive safe this fall and watch out for wildlife. Three-quarters of a meal for the squirrel!