Human Repellent

             In the event that you are going camping this weekend, remember the mosquito repellent. If you are like me, though, you will also need to take along a few other items in order to fend off a much more annoying threat: other campers. No, I’m not asocial. Well, not completely anyway, but the magic of the Uinta Mountains is hard to properly experience without copious amounts of silence. I’ve written this series of steps to help you keep away from other humans and hopefully find your own slice of solitude this weekend.

The first and most important step in seeking silence is straying from the beaten path. Since this is Memorial Day weekend, the realist in me knows that the Uintas will be crawling with other outdoor enthusiasts who are just as excited as I am to explore the cool, quiet mountains for the first time this year. I have nothing against them. That just means I’ll have to avoid the popular areas and find an extremely secluded spot somewhere. Now that I don’t own a Jeep anymore, it will be a bit more difficult to stray from the beaten path, but I think I can still find a nice, quiet place of my own in the woods. I simply have to find a dirt road smooth enough for my little Nissan to traverse.

The second step in the quest for quiet is related to the first: be willing to hike a little. The popular camping areas are popular because a person can easily park their car right in front of the tent and fire pit areas. If you’re up for a bit of a physical challenge and really want to experience the pure peace that nature affords, plan on packing your gear and hiking into the woods a mile or so. This may mean leaving a few not-so-necessary items behind, but trust me, when you lie down at night (on the hard ground because the air mattress was too heavy) and hear the sounds of flowing creeks and chirping crickets instead of screaming children, you’ll be glad you did.

The third and final step in tracking down tranquility is to decorate accordingly. This is where the actual human repellent comes in. When you set up your camping area, be sure to place items around that will deter other people from coming anywhere near you. These items can be as simple as a sharpened stick with a fake skull on top of it or playing a sound track loudly with wild animal noises on it, like angry bears and howling wolves. When attempting to induce fear in other campers, it’s so easy to do, especially if you’ve got a healthy imagination. Just don’t overdo it and end up frightening yourself.

I hope you find plenty of peace and quiet this Memorial Day weekend. Make sure to get a good head start in order to claim a great camp site away from everybody else. If you do have to resort to spending your camping trip in a populated area, take solace in the fact that I will be comfortable surrounded by my moat with alligators, listening to the songbirds and wishing I had six more ears to take in the silence all around me.