How to Survive an Abduction

Have you ever been out in the mountains at night enjoying the starscape, and you see something dart across the sky, stop midway, hover for ten, twenty seconds, and then seem to shoot straight up into the black sky above and disappear? Despite what the government would have you believe, aliens are real. Instead of covering up their existence, our nation’s leaders should be providing us citizens with advice on how to combat the extra-terrestrials, should they attempt to suck us up into a glittery beam of light in order to prod and poke us until their scientific minds are satisfied. I think our politicians would be much more handy writing an alien abduction survival guide (especially the New Mexico representatives) than a 2,000-page health care reform proposal (that no one reads anyhow). Since the government chooses to dally about with other trivial matters, like the economy and education reform, I have undertaken to provide you with a few tips from my own, though somewhat limited, experience.

The last time I had an encounter of the third kind, I was disappointed to find that pepper spray is ineffectual against aliens. You would think with their great, bulbous eyeballs that the spray would work wonders, which it does, but as an alien aphrodisiac. Get’s ‘em all in a tizzy, and trust me, you don’t want them to be grabbier than they already are. There isn’t much you can do about avoiding the actual abduction, which is why these are tips on surviving, not avoiding, such occurrences.

The most important thing to remember during an abduction is that you are being kidnapped by scientific aliens. These are not your common, run-of-the-mill, middle-class space invaders; they’ve been trained to show little to no emotion as they slice and dice towards greater understanding. These guys thrive on results, and one of the biggest results they love is emotional reaction to whatever it is they are doing to you. Give them nothing, say nothing, scream nothing, emote nothing. This will confuse them and you will throw off many of their experiments and data. Play a dummy and I promise you, they will red flag you so that other aliens do not make the same mistake of abducting you as they did.

Under no circumstances should you try to engage in reasoning with the aliens. Most extra terrestrials are language purists, and so your pleas for mercy and goodwill will be rebutted with an extremely foreign dialogue. Aliens can understand human languages perfectly, but they choose not to allow any of our words to enter their vocabulary, and they do so by never speaking it. Since the “greys” refuse to speak Earth-talk, you may as well have fun with your words. Babbling like a madman, putting words together that would never make sense in any situation, is a surefire way to make those bug-eyed creeps second-guess their understanding of our language.

My last tip is for the after-abduction. Most people want to rush out and notify police or the local newspaper of their horrific experience, but that is unwise. Governments around the world have done a good job of covering up all evidence of alien affairs here on Earth, and any admission of an abduction will only be met with frowns and aversion. I suggest you find and join an alien abductees’ support group in your community, where you’ll be able to share your story as well as gain the knowledge that the abduction was not your fault. Hopefully you’ll never have to deal with such an out-of-this-world experience, but if you do, I hope that my advice is helpful.