Interview With a Bear

            As you begin to slip into a turkey-induced mini coma this Thanksgiving, allow me to help the process by offering you this mind-numbing interview I conducted with a native Utah black bear about hibernation. If you aren’t fully unconscious by the middle of the interview, eat more turkey and hope for the best. Enjoy!

GE: Tell me, what is it like to hibernate for five months or so during the winter months?

BB: Well, first, if I may, let me dispel a common misconception you humans have about us bears and our behavior. Most of us bears wouldn’t lump ourselves in with common rodents and say we hibernate. We call it denning.

GE: What is the difference?

BB: Most hibernators experience a drop in body temperature that is close to freezing. We bears only lose maybe 12 degrees, leaving us ready to spring into action if danger presents itself. One does not simply walk into a bear’s den in the middle of winter and poke it with a stick. Also, our metabolism doesn’t decrease quite like hibernators experience. In essence, we are entering a period of prolonged deep sleep, from which we can easily awaken if necessary.

GE: Forgive me for sounding dumb, but I always thought hibernating was just that: deep sleep.

BB: (Laughs.) An animal’s body undergoes several small changes during hibernation to ensure that the animal can survive months in below-freezing temperatures. The process does not only entail sleep. Hibernators often wake in order to raise their body temperatures, eat, and dispose of waste. The most effective way I can describe the difference between denning and hibernation is denning bears are like lethargic humans sitting in front of their televisions: conserving their energy and only moving when absolutely necessary. Hibernators are technically frozen and have short spurts of activity in-between sleeping bouts.

GE: OK, so now that we’ve specified the main difference between hibernating and denning, what is it like to “den?”

BB: Imagine curling up next to a fireplace after eating an extravagant meal. You’re warm, comfortable, without a care in the world. It’s like that, except without the fireplace.

GE: Since you can’t curl up next to a fireplace, where is the next best place for you to den?

BB: In my many travels, I have come across caves that have provided me with suitable accommodations during the winter months. I prefer exceedingly cramped quarters, which I like to call a “nook.” I can’t stand sleeping sprawled out.

GE: What do you tend to dream about?

BB: For the past three years I have had a recurring dream. I guess you could call it a nightmare. I’m walking out in the forest during the summer enjoying the warm weather when I suddenly become very self-conscious. At first I can’t put my finger on it, but then I look down and I’m wearing pants! It’s awfully embarrassing and I quickly look about to see if any elk or moose are snickering at me. Instead, thousands of rabbits appear and demand that I give them horsy rides. Without waiting for my approval, they begin climbing on my back and I am rapidly crushed under their weight. That’s about when I wake up.

GE: Well, black bear, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me. I wish you luck in finding the perfect nook this winter season.

BB: Thank you and it was my pleasure.