Poachers Beware!

            Before you read this article, do yourself a favor and search the keywords “Chuck Testa” on the Internet. I promise this article will make 23% more sense if you do.

            Hunting season is well under way, which means Utah’s mountains are crawling with bright orange people in search of an animal to kill. Humans are braving cold temperatures, wild beasts and uncomfortable air mattresses in exchange for a chance to take home a pile of meat and a trophy for the man cave at home. The hunting experience is an exciting break from ordinary life and offers people the chance to use that gun which is normally locked in a glass case, which sits in the hallway, for most of the year.

            Imagine waking up at 5:30 am in order to bag the perfect buck. An hour later you’re wedging yourself between a pine tree’s trunk and a jagged boulder when you hear a noise and look up. In the little bit of light that is available, you’re able to make out the shape of a deer about 25 yards away, and by the looks of it, it’s at least a 4-pointer. Surprisingly, the buck wasn’t scared off by all the noise you made trying to get somewhat comfortable among all the branches and rocks. Without hesitating you level your rifle, take aim, and pull the trigger. There is no way you’re going to let this one go. Amazingly, despite the fact that the buck remained completely still while you aimed, it is right where it was before you took the shot. At first you think your sight is off, but then you realize that the buck is still standing there, even after all the noise your rifle just made.

            It’s then you hear another noise from a few yards to the right of the buck. A man all dressed in orange steps out from behind a tree and says, “You probably thought this deer was alive. Nope! It’s not. Just Chuck Testa.” Slowly it dawns on you that you’ve been had by a master taxidermizer, perhaps the best the world has ever known. You shake your head and begin laughing, but then Chuck continues in his monotone drawl, “You should have waited another half an hour. Official sunrise isn’t for another hour. You shot too soon. Now I have to take you in for poaching.”

            This may sound like a complete work of fiction, which it is, but it has happened to real people. Not the Chuck Testa part, but the part about shooting a deer that is simply a decoy to nab poachers. The Division of Wildlife Resources sometimes uses lifelike, robotic deer that can help them catch people that are not playing by the rules. So poachers beware! The next deer you shoot could be full of wires and made of plastic, but it will cost you a fleshy arm and leg (not literally, of course, but close).

            Even if you have a tag, there’s a chance you could still become a poacher. Trespassing, shooting from your vehicle, using a prohibited weapon, and hunting between a half an hour after sunset to a half an hour before sunrise are all illegal and will earn you the label of a poacher. The point of having hunting rules and regulations is so that the hunting experience is as fair as possible for everyone involved. Watch out for the next time you come across a buck that seems too good to be true. Could just be a Chuck Testa taxidermy special.