An Ultimatum

 Dear Weather,

            If a proper snowstorm doesn’t roll through Utah before the end of 2011, I’ll kill myself. I hope you read this newspaper, Weather, because otherwise I’ll make a fool of myself. Nevertheless my message will be crystal clear: this life isn’t worth living without snow. I’ve passively stood by as global warming has slowly decreased the snowfall and increased the temperatures, and it’s high time that I put my foot down in opposition. I cannot remain inactive while Utah becomes just another California. So, Weather, if you’re out there, be prepared to have innocent blood on your hands should this week pass without a good blizzard.

            Now, just to make sure we’re clear, the snowstorm needs to happen by midnight of December 31^st. That would really suck if it snowed at 2 am on January 1^st, and I was already dead. Come to think of it, I don’t want to die at all. I’m too young. Let me rethink this deal.

            Okay, Weather, if there isn’t any snow by the end of the week (the American week, not the French week; the French week ends on Sunday instead of Saturday), I’ll break my legs. It’s a price I’m willing to pay to prove to you that there are humans who truly care about receiving snow. Sure, you may hear a lot of people complaining about how ugly it is after a plow shoves it to the side of the road and how difficult it makes their commute, but I am one of many who loves the snow for its beauty and its fun-factor. We’re just a little less annoying and loud than the complainers, which is probably why you think everyone hates the snow.

            Hold on a minute, though – if I break my legs and then it does snow, how will I enjoy it? I can’t imagine trying to ski or ice-skate with two legs in casts. Perhaps I could compromise by breaking a toe or two. That wouldn’t hinder my activities too much if I have to follow through with my ultimatum and then it snows shortly afterwards. I could easily go tubing or have a snowball fight with a couple splints on my toes.

            Listen, Weather, I know you think I drive a hard bargain, but this whole painful situation could be avoided if you simply herd some clouds our way and shower us with snow. Think of the children (and the adults who never could grow up). The only way winter is even remotely fun is if the prospect of playing in the snow exists. No one wants to go on a hike or water ski or go hang gliding in the cold. It is impossible for the cold to be fun without snow.

            Weather, you may believe that you possess full control of the elements, but Japanese scientists are weeks away from creating a computer program that puts the control back into human hands, I swear. Soon we’ll be able to make it rain exactly where it needs to rain, or create tornadoes in our enemy lands, and then you’ll be useless. But you can prove your usefulness and gain an anti-human-controlled-weather ally by granting my simple wish: Let it snow! Once again, if you do not meet my demands by midnight of December 31^st, I think we agreed that I would have to take a hard slap to the face, so get snowing!